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why Measure Life in Heartbeats?
Hemingway once wrote that courage is grace under pressure. But I wouldrather think with the 18th-century Italian dramatist, Vittorio Alfieri, that"often the test of courage is not to die but t0 1ive." For living with cancerengenders more than pressure; it begets terror. To live with it, to face up toit-that's courage.
Hope is our most effective "drug" in treating cancer. There is almost nocancer (at any stage) that cannot be treated. By instilling hope in a patient,we can help develop a positive; combative attitude to his disease. Illogical,unproven? Perhaps. But many doaors believe that this must become a partof cancer therapy if the therapy is to be effective.
I have had the joy of two beautiful and wonderful wives, the happiness ofparenthood and the love of eight children. My work was constantly chal-lenging and fulfilling. I have always loved music and books, ballet and thetheater. I was addicted to fitness, tennis, golf, curling, hunting and fishing.
Good food and wine graced my table. My home was a warm and happyplace.
But when I became aware of my imminent mortality, my attitudes changed.
There was real meaning to the words, "This is the first day of the rest ofyour life." There was a heightened awareness of each sunny day, the beautyof flowers, the song of a bird. How often do we reflect on the joy of breath.
ing easily, of swallowing without effort and discomfort, of walking withoutpain, of a complete and peaceful night's sleep?
After I became ill, I embarked upon many things I had been putting offbefore. I read the books Ihad set aside for retirement and wrote one myself,entitled TheArt of Surgery. My wife Madeleine and I took more holidays.
We played tennis regularly and curled avidly; we took the boys fishing. WhenI review these past few years, it seems in many ways that I have lived alifetime since I acquired cancer. On my last holiday in the Bahamas, as Iwalked along the beach feeling the gentle waves wash over my feet, I felt apart of tlie universe, even if only a minuscule one,like a grain of sand on thebeach.
Although I had to restrict the size of my practice, I felt closer empathy withmy patients. When I walked into the Intensive Care Unit there was an awe-some feeling knowing I, too, had been a patient there. It was a special satis-faction to comfort my patients with cancer, knowing that it is possible toenjoy life after the anguish of that diagnosis. It gave me a warm feeling tosee the sparkle in one patient's eyes-a man with a totallaryngectomy-when I asked if he would enjoy a cold beer and went to get him one.
If one realizes that our time on this earth is but a tiny fraction of that withinthe cosmos, then life calculated in years may not be as important as wethink. Why measure life in heartbeats? When life is so dependent on such anunreliable function as the beating of the heart, then it is fragile indeed. Theonly thing that one can depend upon with absolute certainty is death.
I believe that death may be the most important part of life. I believe that lifeis infinitesinially brief in relation to the immensity of eternity. I believe,because of my religious faith, that I shall "return to the Father"in an afterlifethat is beyond description. I believe that though my life was short in years, itwas fullin experience, joy, love and accomplishment; that my owriimmor-tality will reside in the memories of my loved ones left behind, mother,brother, wife, children, dear friends. I believe that I will die with loved onesclose by and, one hopes, achieve that great gift of God-ileath in peace, andwith dignity.
何必以心跳定生死?
海明威曾经写过,勇气就是临危不惧。不过,我更赞同18世纪意大利戏剧家维多利奥·阿尔菲利的观点:“对勇气的考验往往不是去死,而是要活。”身患癌症,不仅带来痛苦,而且引起恐惧。抱病生活,并敢于正视这一现实,这就是勇气。
希望是我们治疗癌症的“药物”。几乎没有任何癌症(无论发展到哪一期)是不能医治的。把希望灌输到病人心里,我们就可以帮助他树立起积极与疾病作斗争的观念。也许此话不合逻辑,言之无据,是吗?然而,许多医生认为,要想使疗法有效,这必须成为癌症治疗的一部分。
我有幸先后拥有两位美丽贤惠的妻子所带来的欢欣,体验过为人之父的乐趣,并得到八个子女的爱。过去,我的工作一直富有挑战性,令人有成就感。我一向喜欢听音乐和读书,酷爱芭蕾舞和戏剧。我曾经醉心于健身运动、网球、高尔夫球、冰上溜石、打猎和垂钓。我的餐桌摆满美酒佳肴。我的家温馨而又幸福。
可是,当我知道自己大限将至时,生活态度就变了。“这是您余生的开始。”这句话对我有了实实在在的含义。对每一个晴天丽日,对鸟语花香,我的感触倍加强烈。平日呼吸轻松,吞食自如,走路毫不费劲,一夜安寝到天明,我们几曾回味过其中的乐趣?
患病后,我着手做以前搁置下来的许多事情。我阅读了本来留到退休后才读的书,而且还写了一本题为《外科术》的书。我与夫人马德琳度假更加频繁。我们经常去打网球,劲头十足地在冰上溜石,还带儿子们去钓鱼。回顾过去几年,从许多方面来看,自从得了癌症以后,我似乎已经活了一辈子。上次到巴哈马度假期间,我沿着海滩漫步,海浪轻轻抚揉着我的双脚,此时此刻我蓦然觉得自己与整个宇宙融为一体,尽管我微不足道,就像海滩上的一粒沙子。
虽然我不得不限制自己的医务工作量,我感到与病人更加心灵相通。当我走进特别护理室时,一种敬畏之感油然而生,因为我知道自己也曾是这里的病人。我明白,在经历了被确诊为癌症的极度痛苦之后,仍有可能享受生活,因此,安慰癌症患者成了一种特别的乐事。一位病人做了喉部切除手术,我问他是否想喝冻啤酒,而且为他拿来了一杯,这时我看到他眼里闪现出了火花,一股暖流顿时涌上我的心头。
倘若人们意识到人生在世只不过是宇宙的时间长河中转瞬即逝的一刹那,那么以岁月计算的生命就不会像我们所想的那样重要了。何必以心跳来定生死呢?当生命依赖于心跳这样一种不可靠的功能时,它的确脆弱不堪。而只有死亡才是人们可以绝对依赖的。
我认为死亡可能是人生中最重要的一环。我认为与那漫长的永生相比,生命是极其短暂的。基于我的宗教信仰,我相信在我身后那难以描绘的时光里,我将回归圣父。我相信,我的生命以年月计算,虽然是短暂的,但经历丰富,充满了欢乐、爱情和成就;我将永远活在我所爱的人,即我的母亲、兄弟、儿女和密友的记忆中。我相信,在弥留之际,我的亲朋好友将陪伴在我身旁:我希望得到上帝的恩赐——带着尊严,安详地告别人间。