1.Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,which aren't sweet,are meat.
翻译：让我们接受现实吧--英语是一种疯狂的语言。茄子(eggplant，字面意为鸡蛋植物)里并没有鸡蛋，汉堡包(hamburger，字面意为火腿夹饼)里也没有火腿。同样，菠萝(pineapple，字面意为松树苹果)里既没有松树也没有苹果。松饼(English muffin，字面意为英式松饼)并不是英国人发明的，而炸薯条(French fries，字面意为法式油炸食品)也不是法国人的发明。“甜肉”(sweetmeat)指的是蜜饯，而“甜面包”(sweetbread)不是甜的，它指的是牛杂碎。
2.We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why it is that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,why isn't the plural of booth beeth? If you have one goose,two geese,why not one moose,two meese,or one index,two indices?
翻译：我们理所当然地接受了英语的一切，但是如果我们分析一下英语中似是而非的情况，我们马上就会发现“快的沙子”(quicksand，流沙，也指陷阱，困境)往往走得很慢，“拳击的圆圈”(boxing rings，拳击场)是方的，“几内亚猪”(guinea pig，天竺鼠)既不是来自几内亚，也不是猪。还有，既然名词作家(writers)去掉词尾的rs 就可以成为动词“写作(write)”，那为什么名词“手指”(fingers)、杂货店(grocers)、锤子(hammers)去掉rs就不能成为各自相应的动词呢?如果牙齿的复数是teeth，那为什么售货亭的复数不是beeth?一只鹅我们用goose，两只鹅用geese，那么，一只驼鹿用moose(单复数同形)，两只驼鹿就应该是meese了?为什么一条索引是index，两条索引却成了indices?
3.Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,or that you can comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,what do you call it?
翻译：如果你赔偿时只能赔偿复数不能赔偿单数，这是不是很莫名其妙?你可以梳理历史的编年史，为什么却不能复习某一个单个的编年史?如果你有一堆麻烦，那么在你把其他的都解决了只剩下一个的时候该怎么说呢?
4.If teachers taught,why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,what does a humanitarian eat?
翻译：如果教师教学是taught，那为什么传教士不是praught?如果素食主义者(vegetarian)吃蔬菜(vegetable)，那人道主义者(humanitarian)吃什么?
5.Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell; park on driveways and drive on parkways?
翻译：有时候我觉得根据英国人说话时疯狂的用词可以将他们送进精神病院。哪一种语言人们可以在一出戏中朗诵，在朗诵中玩(分别指演戏和开独唱会)?用卡车运船，用船运货(分别只用卡车运输和用船运输)?鼻子可以跑而脚可以闻味道(分别指流鼻涕和脚有臭味)?车可以停在驾驶路上，而且在停车路上驾驶(driveway从字面上理解是驾驶路，parkway从字面上理解是停车路)。
6.How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and wise guy are opposites,and quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
翻译：为什么一个苗条的机会(slim chance，指没机会)和一个肥胖的机会(fat chant，也指没机会)意思是一样的，而一个聪明的人(wise man，聪明人)和一个聪明的家伙(wise guy，自作聪明的人)却意思相反?为什么相当多(quite a lot)和相当少(quite a few)意思一样?(实际上quite a lot和quite a few都是相当多的意思。)为什么天气可以热的像地狱也可以冷得像地狱?(as hell字面意思像地狱一样，指非常)
7.You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
翻译：你不得不对这种精神病一样的语言表示惊奇，在这种语言中，你的房子在被烧下去(burn down，意为烧为平地)的同时又被烧上去(burn up，意为烧起来，烧掉)。你用填出来(fill out，意为填写)的方法填进去(fill in,意思也是填写)一个表格。闹钟在走(go on)的时候响(go off)了。
8.English was invented by people,not computers,and it reflects the creativity of the human race. That is why,when the stars are out,they are visible,but when the lights are out,they are invisible. And why,when I wind up my watch,I start it,but when I wind up this essay,I end it?
翻译：英语是人而不是机器创造出来的语言，它反映了人类的创造性。这也是为什么当星星出来的时候，我们是看得见的，当阳光出来(out)的时候是看不见的。同理，我“处理”我的手表之后，它就开始(走)了;而我“处理”完这篇文章后，它却结束了。
